The Vyle diary of Tom

Jul 30
Jul 30

Hangout Harry, we love you too!

A year ago, the TV show Big Brother ended. I won’t go into how rubbish it got in its later years, as that’s a subject for another day, but the end of the series signified a big emotional event for the whole nation. (Whether that emotion was great sadness or fantastic joy that it was over.)

This year, my favourite nightclub, The Hangout, is closing. And I feel emotional about it. (The emotion being great sadness, not fantastic joy.)

It’s only been in existence for eighteen months, opening on Christmas Eve 2009. I wasn’t there for its opening night, and I remember being wary of ever going because I wanted to avoid certain people. I eventually did attend a night out there, and I never looked back.

On first viewing, it’s a bit of a dive. It looks like somewhere you’d have a twenty-first. But so many of us go back there simply because that “little dive” has a great big heart. It’s the hub of our community. I know if I went alone on a Friday night, there’s most likely going to be about ten people I know there. (Not that I’d ever go alone, of course.)

And because it made our community so much closer, I eventually stopped worrying about the people I wanted to avoid and even ended up having drinks with them! The Hangout doesn’t just provide a good night, it also provides miracles.

One of the reasons it’s got heart is because of the people who work there.

You have the barmen, who have to stand behind a rather cramped bar, trooping away to give us drinks. (I know, I’ve been behind it!) You also have the bouncers, who are so wonderfully witty when they have a troubled customer. They don’t need to punch you with their fists, just with a really sharp one liner. One of my favourite quotes is this:


You think you’re so hard cos you look like Phil Mitchell!


You look more like Phil Mitchell than I do, love.

You also have the door staff; who sit in the cold all night, and worst of all, they have to listen to me harp on every time I go past them to nip outside. I never go straight outside, I always stop and chat. But that says so much about how hilarious and fun the characters that occupy the doors are.

You also have the DJs, who have to not only put up with my awful requests, but also witness, first hand, my awful dancing, right in front of them.

And of course, Andrew Neale. What a guy! Now he really has moved mountains for that place. And I’d like to say, with one big smile, THANK YOU ANDY LAD.

We’ve all had drama there. We’ve all had laughs there. We’ve all copped off there, broken up with somebody there, found out secrets there, had our hearts broken there, had a gossip, had a drink, had a dance. We’ve all flirted there, made drunken phone calls we shouldn’t have there, fallen out with our best mates there, made new best mates there and fallen over somewhere in there. Most of us have probably worked there at some point. And tonight is the last chance we’ll get that. When you go tonight, enjoy it. Give it a great send off, because once it’s gone, you’ll really miss it.

I’m sure Hangout Harry will still be around, fighting the good fight. One little thing I know that I’ll miss is seeing his Birthday messages to people on FaceBook, with his little HH signature. Hangout Harry does love us, and he has done for eighteen wonderful, blindingly drunk months.

Unlike Big Brother, the Hangout never declined. It’s doing a Marilyn Monroe, or an Amy Winehouse. Dying young but with an amazing legacy.

Here, Here! 

Jul 13

A very bitter poem.

I was thinking back to an ex-lover of mine,

from another time,

and how awesome I looked after it all ended.

Now let me stress,

I must confess,

he was bad to me and left me stranded.

But I thought of how things looked,

from his point of view,

after we had finished,

and I was shiny new.

I was totally made of win,

and I thought to myself,

'I hope it killed him.'

May 19

These are screencaps from the first day of filming our new Lady Gaga video, “Telephone.” The storyline is under wraps but I can tell you that the first scene involves transvestites strutting into a church. The scene was known as “The cat walk to hell” on the day of filming!

Mar 24

My American Adventure!

I can exclusively reveal a brand new fact: I went to America last week!

Okay, so it was the worst kept secret in the world. But I was excited! I didn’t want to mention it that much originally, in case something went disastrously wrong and I looked like a twat. But when I got to Manchester airport I was already wet with excitement. By the time I got to the Hollywood Hills I was giddy as a goose! I had to brag a bit. So now it’s all over and I’m sane again; I apologize for that.

Talking of things going wrong, the day I left there was a Tsunami in Japan, a bomb scare at Heathrow (in the exact same hour I was there for) and a radiation scare in LA (where I was landing). Luckily none of these things affected me, although I do have an extra eye where my left nipple used to be.

The morning I went was a calm, quiet one. I left my house at six in the morning and my mother drove me to Manchester as the sun was rising. It was a beautiful, calm farewell to England. I would even call it romantic. 

But that’s not what you want to read about: what you’re reading this for is to find out how I head butted a woman on the way to London.

I was checking my seat number under the luggage carrier and I ducked to read it. As I ducked, I hit a short Indian woman in the head. It wouldn’t have been so bad if a cockney geezer hadn’t shouted out; “you trying to kill her, son?”

I transferred at Heathrow airport, where the security alarm bleeped as I stepped under it. Tell me why, when I stepped under the one in Manchester, it didn’t bleep, but in Heathrow, it did? I have two theories. A) the metal detectors in London are better than the ones in Manchester, or B) everyone from the south of England, even inanimate objects, hate me. And that’s why it bleeped, out of hatred towards me.

The american bitches on the plane couldn’t understand a word I said, and they kept skipping me when they gave out food and drink. But they’re all dead now, so it’s okay.

I spent half my holiday in an all-male student dorm. I was surprised by the lack of privacy American dorms had compared to English University Halls. They actually SHARE rooms. Where would you go to wank!? I was surprised by how un-predator-like I was in an all-male dormitory. Maybe I’m growing up? Although I did spend the entire night in a gay club speaking in a posh, nervous Hugh-Grant accent, so that the American gays would fall to my feet, so maybe I haven’t grown up at all.

Talking of the night I spent in a gay club - I was kicked out, for drinking underage, and whilst waiting for my friend to come out, I was stood on a street corner and mistaken for a rent boy! Funny now, scary at the time. 

We went to San Diego, the gay capital of California, and I saw so many beautiful men. I was jealous of their beautiful bodies, gorgeous smiles and perfect hair. But they’re all dead now, so it’s okay.

We moved from San Marcos to LA, where we stayed in a four star hotel. It was grand. It wasn’t just grand, it was the writz. (Well, it wasn’t, but it was close.) We even had a free car, and were able to be taken anywhere around Hollywood for FREE. Needless to say; I quoted sex and the city 2. Lots.

At Universal studios we went to Wysteria Lane, visited the same motel Norman Baites killed that chick in Psycho, went to a fake New York city and got caught up in a fight between King Kong and three V-rexes. Then we went to see the houses of Simon Cowell, David Letterman, Michael Jackson (I even saw the window of the room he died in - the sun was shining right above the roof, it was beautiful)  and Whoopi Goldberg. (She had the best one, by far.) Seeing all these houses made me more determined to make it big so I could live there. 

I even got to do some swimming! Had to wait until the pool was empty though. All those six packs put me to shame. (They’re as common as mouthy northern women are in Preston, seriously, abs EVERYWHERE. After a while you kind of forget they’re even there.)

I nearly ended up sleeping at the airport on the last night but luckily I found a hotel nearby. Whilst waiting for my coach from the hotel to the airport on the last day, I gave my luggage to a Mexican man in Uniform and asked him to put it in the backroom. “I will look after bag for you, here” he said. 

So I left.

I came back expecting him to be there - but both he and the suitcase were gone. I went to another Mexican man in the same uniform and asked where the other Mexican man and my suitcase were. “Did he give you ticket?” he asked. Shit, no, he didn’t. “Then your suitcase stolen.” 


And he said it with such casualness as well! “I check in back room, but if it not there, then it not there.” 


He opened the door and there was my bag. Thank god. He scared the living day lights out of me. But he’s dead now, so it’s okay.

On the way home I made friends with a group of Americans who were on their way to London for a school trip. Three hours of them swooning over my English Accent. Ahh, this is the last time I’ll be able to enjoy doing this for a while, I thought.

Home now. I can’t brag about going to America anymore, I can’t brag about being in America anymore, but I can sure as hell brag about having been to America. (But I’m sane now, so it won’t be as arrogant-sounding.)

P.S, if you’re wondering about what happened to the lady I head butted, she gave me an evil glare throughout ALL of the flight. Whenever I walked past her to go to the loo, she sat there, looking up at me, planning my death.

But she’s dead now, so it’s okay.

Feb 28

I finally have a theme.

Today I realized a common theme in my scripts.

I write about love!

I’ve written about what happens when love comes from hate.

I’ve written about what happens when you suppress feelings of love, and how doing that can destroy you.

I’ve written about what happens when everyone tries to destroy two people in love because they think it’s wrong.

And today I’m writing a new script about loving the idea of something, and what extremes a human being can go to, trying to make it real.

I think it’s time I do my… SUBTEXT DANCE!

Feb 22


# There’s one question,

You’ve gotta ask yourself,

I’m not pesterin’,

I’m just tryin’a help…

And that question,

Is this:

Who ate all the cock?

Who ate all the cock?




You needa get a hold,

on life!

Whether you wanna husband,

or a wife!

Be true,

To who you are,

And that way,

you’ll go far! #

# I can’t,

handle it! #

# You needa,

Getta grip!

You’re in,

for a shock - !

Who ate all the cock?

Who ate all the cock?




— My musical masterpiece from the hate mates musical:
Feb 21

The Vyle Diary of Tom #17: Long time no see!

It’s been a long time, hannit?

I’ve not even posted a new blog (apart from photos from the set of my new film “Hate Mates”, which really doesn’t count) since the New Year. I’m not bored of blogging, I haven’t given it up, I’ve just been extremely busy. 

I’ve traded blogging for film making. I wish I was talented enough to both blog and direct films, but I can’t! If I’m focusing on one art form, I find it difficult to juggle another one. 

It’s been a funny old year so far, 2011. A good year, much better than 2010 was. (Although the first two months of that were marvelous, before it all got gloomy and serious, so there’s still time for 2011 to be shit.) 

Things that have made 2011 mental:

1) I’ve bought my first house,

Well, not bought, but you know what I mean. I’ll be living with two girls and a gay. I imagine I’ll be writing a Will and Grace-esque sitcom by the end of the third year, based on my experiences.

2) I’ve actually made a three-year script into a film!

"Hate Mates", which I keep banging on about, is a script I’ve been developing for three years. Since College! I’ve recently re-read those early drafts, and it’s fascinating to see how much it’s changed since then. Over the years, I have changed, so therefore "Hate Mates" has changed with me. 

3) I’m going abroad, baby!

In March, I shall be traveling to America. ALL. ON. MY. OWN. On my birthday! This year has the potential to be my worst birthday ever. It also has the potential to be the best. I shall be spending ten days with my beautiful friend Glen, and we’ll be living da vida loca. 

4) Tastes.

My tastes have changed! I’ve become a fan of Football, Rihanna, and Katy Perry. I used to hate all these things! And only one of them is not gay! 

5) He’s out there!

Last year I became cynical. Miranda-from-sex-and-the-city-cynical. But then, in January, I met someone who changed all that, and opened my mind slightly more. He was funny, interesting, sexy and cool. Oh, and he had the most vicious sense of humor. On our first date, we sat through reading books about corpses. In a pub. I will never forget that. 

But as the weeks have got on, and I’ve worked two jobs, made a film and studied my university course, I’ve just had no time to really work at it. 

But it’s nice to know he’s out there, and that I found him. Even though I can’t enjoy his company right now, my faith has been restored. 

From this experience, I’ve learnt that I’ll never have time for a relationship with somebody, not whilst I’m a writer. I want to marry my work. Making a film is like dating someone. You’ll have great days when you get great footage, and long days when you’re filming a scene that’s not particularly exciting. Then you’ll get a premier, with an audience, and it’s like an actual WEDDING DAY. I swear to god, it’s the most satisfying relationship you could ever have, making a film. 

I think about the characters in my scripts more than I think about any man. And that’s nice. At the moment, I’m thinking about Pam, and her eventual downfall. To you, that means nothing. To me… god, it breaks my heart, what that woman has to go through. 

Now the film has been almost-completed, I shall be able to blog a bit more. See you soon!

Jan 19

Hate Mates: Filming - “the hate date”

Dec 31

The Vyle Diary of Tom # 16: 2010.

It’s my annual sum up of the year. I did one in 2008 on MySpace (TLog), 2009 on Facebook (Memoir) and now, for 2010’s review, I’m using Tumblr as my platform (with my Vyle Diary). Wonder what it’ll be next year?

Anyway, first of all; apologies! I know both my readers are very upset about the fact I’ve not been posting any new blogs of late. I’ve had two jobs to contend with recently, plus a mountain of work for my new film (Hate Mates!) so blogging has taken a back seat. In fact, it’s not even in the back seat; it’s not even in the car! It’s in the house, waiting for its mother to find her car keys. (I’m hoping a bad metaphor will excuse my lack of effort.)

Two jobs though. That’s mental. This time last year, I did no work at all. I’d spend all my student loans within a month of getting them, I went to class two days a the week and I was living at home. Way back in January, I didn’t even know half the people who’d later become so important to me. January 2010 was full of hope and excitement for the year ahead. Even on New Years Day, the first day of the year, I met someone who’d change my life for a mixture of good and bad reasons. 

The first month of 2010 was the year my enemies of 2009 became my friends. Miracles actually happened, and all that hatred from the year before just left me. 

In January and February, I met my match. Had I spent longer with him, we could of actually been soul mates. I felt we were a “match”, something in 2009 I didn’t believe I had. (I even wrote a blog about it! I was proved wrong!) It wasn’t meant to be. My heart broke a little bit, and the brightness and colour of the first two months of 2010 had gone.

But not for long! Whilst I grew up and matured from that experience, I didn’t have time to be miserable for long. Not when there were exciting and fun new people to meet.

My other soul mate, Alice Monk, left for York earlier in the year. I slept at her house the night before she left, helped her pack in the morning and waved her off as her mother drove her away, out of my life. I stood on the street, all alone, for about three minutes after she drove around the corner. If I had not of met her the year before, I would not have been able to survive 2010 and deal with certain aspects of it in the way I did.

As University continued, I met more and more people. I met Glen Hall, Alenka Manley, Francesca Franks, Georgia Smith and Tasha Townley. I practically lived in their flat. I was the flat mate without a room. We went on nights out together, hung out in the kitchen, cried with each other, laughed with (and at) each other and we even went to London (twice!) together. I shared adventures with these people; but I would never have expected that the biggest adventure was yet to come…

I moved in with them. We only decided this in May, but in the summer of 2010 flat 1 was born. If I was to live with these people, they would need new names. Franthorpe, Smithson, Alenk Tenninch and Tashley. I use nicknames to get closer to people, to form a bond. It’s something we share, and the funnier the nickname, the better. 

The last half of 2010 was about me being an adult. (Ish.) I had a job, I followed my passion in making films and I had to hunt for my own food. (My hunting ground of choice being Aldi!) 

Talking of making films, Joey Guy and I worked together so much. This partnership was my most important relationship this year. We’d send each other scripts in the middle of the night, edit each others work and in December we even gained fifteen minutes of internet fame with “Verity”. I would never have thought it, but Joey Guy became my writing soul mate. 

In 2010 I learnt about the meaning of genuine. I need to be genuine to myself, by being honest about who I am. (A geek who is chic.) I learnt that I need to be honest with people if they piss me off, and not suppress it. If they can’t accept this, then they aren’t worth my time. Fighting is good. Banter is brilliant. Being a pussy gets you nowhere. 

This year I’ve done so much. I’ve DJ’d, fallen in love, experienced heartbreak (which was a brilliant and necessary event in my life) I’ve been to my own film premier, I’ve said goodbye and I’ve said hello to new people (Alex, Tom, Jess and Jordan!) I’ve travelled the country. I’ve had wise words, shared and swapped great thoughts, (Ian and Alice) I’ve made up with people I had problems with the year before (Natalie, Lee, Leigh) and now I can appreciate how they’ve actually IMPROVED my life. 

I’ve also become so close to my family. That, to me, has been THE most important part of the year. Christmas 2010 was so beautiful and full of laughter, because I wasn’t shy around them anymore.

2011 looks set to be a big adventure to. I’m heading to the USA. Thomas Cowell: BREAKING AMERICA! I promise I’ll fix it with pritt stick and celotape. I don’t even know where I’ll be living this time next year. I don’t know who I’ll meet, I don’t know what I’ll learn, or what I’ll do, or how I’ll improve.  (I plan on improving. I was once told that I was like a fine wine, that I get better with age.) I don’t know who’ll be out of my life or who’ll be in it.

But I look forward to finding out!